


This Love Is A Killer

by lakemonsters



Category: Nabari no Ou
Genre: M/M, Melancholy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-05
Updated: 2013-11-05
Packaged: 2017-12-31 14:04:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1032554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lakemonsters/pseuds/lakemonsters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You rag on about a promise made in an abandoned train car. You hold on to the notion that your wiry arms are enough to hold him up and keep him together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Love Is A Killer

 

_**I looked up at the sun and I could see,  
the way that gravity turns for you and me** _

__

__

You know more than anyone else that there is a method to the madness, because you never mind chaos, never trouble yourself with its resolution. Things would always resolve itself just because time rules over the heart - same way that gravity rules over everything that exists in this world.

 

_**The Process of Falling** _

 

The train leaves the station a few minutes later than scheduled, Yoite sits in one of those plastic chairs while you look out into the tracks, your boots toeing the lines of oblivion. An officer calls your attention, warning you that you are not supposed to standing so close to the edge of the platform. A smile will do and he is instantly apologetic for yelling at you - e does not see the small batlike wings and devil horns that supposedly grow on you when you insist on having your way. Yoite just looks on and almost automatically makes space for you when you decide to walk back and be the good kid for once.

 

"The train's late."

 

Yoite sounds like he hasn't eaten in days, it makes you smile a little because he just finished a bag of oranges that a lady generously shared with you both at one of the stops on the way to Oda-san's vacation house. It makes you ponder, green eyes looking up at the electric lights and trying to remember her face, her voice, so as to prepare for whatever it is you're going to ask her to do in order to help Yoite. Fulfill a promise that you fully understand but can barely grasp.

 

"It'll be here soon, Yoite."

 

"It's cold."

 

You don't need a second to react and hold his hand and squeeze it between your palms, sharing what little warmth you can offer. There are no words between you two that can explain it. You don't tell him that you are cold as well because you know he'll worry. And it gets more confusing for you after that. It's okay for him to worry and you're actually happy that he does - it's just that you want it to mean something more. You want him to worry because you are Miharu and not the vessel for the Shinra Banshou, not because he needs you to grant his wish and ease his pain.

 

Quid pro quo.

 

You are beginning t hate the fact that you realize what it means now. It always hurts just a little and you don't understand WHY it hurts when it should not matter.

 

You miss your carefree days, you miss it like deserts miss water. You miss not having to worry about anyone and anything at all. And should things fall apart, you have this sense of detachment and the reasons to always stand at arm's length.

 

"Miharu..."

 

You wish he didn't sound like that when he calls out to your name.

 

"...the train's here..." Nothing's said in afterwards and you smile a little because it's warm inside the train. It's warm for the first time today.

 

You sit across from Yoite and watch him eat some more food, tell him to leave one piece for you. What you don't tell him is that you are running out of money, bounced out of budget by his constant need for food. He looks at you quietly and picks out the ball of takoyaki and gives the end of the toothpick to you and you know that you're confused even as you smile and thank him. You'll pretend that he really, really cares. And that, in Yoite you've found a friend.

 

The lodging that you find for the night is simple and the room is a no better than a box with a bed in the corner. As always, you fight with Yoite because he wants you to have the bed - you think it strange because you're not as cold as he is, and you're definitely not dying. It's a real shame that your little persuasion tactic does not work on him. He'll just look at you and then look away. And so you resort to the only way civilized men settle things in Japan.

 

Janken pon.

 

You teach Yoite the trades between rock, paper and scissor.

 

He wins and you lose and you get the bed.

 

Weird stipulations that make you frown under the covers, you think that it's unfair and on the flipside you think that it is fair - but you decide that Yoite needs the bed more but he won't budge from the floor and so you go to him and sneak behind him not caring if you surprise him and he Kiras your skinny self into oblivion. But he's not surprised and stirs just a little before making a non-commital noise. You cannot bring yourself to say anything after that. You make use of the thicker blanket and close your eyes when your knee touches the back of his.

 

"Miharu..."

 

"What?"

 

"It's not so cold anymore."

 

Well darn it, it had better not be that cold anymore because you're the one feeling uncomfortable on the hard floor. You want to ask him why he refuses the bed or the couch or any form of comfort, you want to ask if it's absolution of self-punishment. But then the question breeds more questions and Yoite's got anything but time when it comes down to answering them. So you resort to behaving yourself and try to fall asleep - pressing your forehead between his shoulder blades only to have him make a sound of disapproval.

 

"I cannot sleep like this."

 

Part of you is offended but you apologize and go back to the bed.

 

"Yoite..."

 

You say when you're facing the window and you're eyes are drooping shut.

 

"What?" He answers quietly.

 

And you don't remember what you say next because fatigue has caught up with you and the world's reduced to nothing but darkness. You let yourself dream because you know that tomorrow is uncertain, tomorrow brings you closer to a destiny you never imagined possible. It's strange that you're braving all this for the sake of someone you've just met, someone whose origin is as shady as the shadows you've seen dancing in your bedroom on nights when the moon is pale and the nightskies are thin. You dream of wind and hills and daylight - you need a destination, a place for all these emotions to run to. Yoite says that he needs you, while you desire nothing from him. And yet you are doing so much and going this far, for the sake of his wish.

 

You rag on about a promise made in an abandoned train car. You hold on to the notion that your wiry arms are enough to hold him up and keep him together.

 

Everything is a process; you wake up to live and you sleep to dream and you live to feel. Things might have changed drastically over the past weeks but you've found light in this chaos and a purpose to wait out this storm. Yoite is sleeping now his even breathing is something that you feel in your bones - and you think how easy it is to walk away. He's already told you that he was bluffing and that none of your friends will perish once you realize the folly of your plans.

 

And yet you stay immobile until the sunlight creeps in between the partings of the curtains and the grumble of your stomach outdoes Yoite's.

 

You are growing up and so is the world around you.

 

According to the address given - Oda-san's house is just a town away. The decision is intact. And the smile on your face is real when you lean over and wake Yoite up. You are growing up and you want to live your life - but it would be a better life with him in it. And it's like centrifugal force drawing you in and you give minimal resistance, hoping that the momentum throws you off course.

 

Maybe then you can say it was just a mistake - you can clutch your chest and swear on it - it's nothing but human error.

 

 

 

_**The Feeling of being loved and loving in return** _

__

You sometimes dream of the overpass and the hug that you gave Yoite - the one he returned out of sadness, out of desperation. That night, you decide that you don't want him to disappear and in some way not forget everything - the people he cares about, you and the moment you shared. The powers residing inside you simmers to the brim and yet you are unsure as to how you are going to be able to save him without losing a part of yourself. You asyourself if it's too late for that.

 

You wake up and you realize that the covers have slipped off and your toes are turning slightly blue from the cold. Rubbing your eyes, you fix everything in place and look out the window of your bedroom because it faces the hills where Thobari-sensei lives, the place where Yoite sleeps.

 

And you wish for his comfort, you wish him well, always. If only you can say things so casually, so irresponsibly then you can tell him that things are difficult for you. That when you sit quietly across from him in that small living room - you are at your happiest. That the feelings warm you from the inside out, just like it should.

 

But it is cruel thing to burden a dying man.

 

It's his choice. He took it from your hands when he told you he wanted to be Yoite until the end.

 

You thought it was foolish and brave and everything else that you cannot describe because you were too busy listening to your heart break. Now, you tell yourself that it's like watching a car crash happen in slow motion. You know but you cannot prevent it because you're not the one behind the wheel.

 

School begins at around 8 in the morning and you need your sleep You take comfort in the fact that you will be visiting Yoite after that.

 

He greets you with a smile, he always does and you always answer back with an offer to make him Lemonade. You feel fortunate that Yukimi shared with you the one comfort beverage that Yoite holds on to. You're not envious, but in your heart of hearts, you wish that you could give him something that he can hold onto as well. Something that he'll hold close to him, so close that it makes him smile in bliss and not obligation. Because you do not want to distrust his smile by giving everything meaning. By harboring things that yoite doesn't even think about, let alone understand.

 

Despite the number of people visiting him everyday and Gau's constant presence - a moment finds the two of you alone. He sits by the rocking chair and you are like the faithful cat by his feet. You can look at him bravely even if his hands and feet are discolored and have learned to see it as a part of him because what brought that about was his decision to learn Kira and die by its consequences. Leaning close, your shoulder touching his leg -- consciousness drifts away from you for a minute and things begin to swim with a green tint like you see in old sixties movies.

 

It's not fair that circumstances tore you away from a carefree life.

 

A life where all you had to worry about was yourself. It's not fair that you now stay up half the night and spend almost all your time here. It's not fair that it feels like you don't have a choice in the matter because if you are not around him, you are somewhat lost in moments that swim between point A and B. It's not fair because there's no breaking this habit and it feels like its killing you day by day.

 

What Kira is doing to Yoite - unknowingly he's doing to you.

 

"Are you asleep?" His voice is gentle and amused.

 

"Partly." You never lose your cool - maybe it's also the gift of being your mother's son.

 

"Ah, well keep sleeping..." You know that he is smiling even if you cannot see him.

 

"Yoite...do you ever dream?" The answer to this is something you already know, but in the past months things have changed and you ask again.

 

"Sometimes..."

 

"Are they good or bad dreams?"

 

He takes a moment to answer and part of you fears that you might have asked the wrong question.

 

"Good. They are good dreams."

 

"I see..." You smile and look up at him - and he's looking far ahead - into the distance and a future that only he knows.

 

"I dream of Yukimi, Raiko, Gau...everyone who has been so kind to me. Everyone is happy."

 

You nod your head and smile a little because that's what this is all about. For Yoite to feel happy and live out his remaining days with nothing but bliss surrounding him. It would be the ideal way to go.

 

"I'm happy to hear that they are good."

 

Yoite stops knitting for a while and looks at you with a somber expression - "Last night though...a dream...it was not happy nor sad..."

 

It makes you look up and your attention is on him fully - "Tell me about it..."

 

"I was walking down a road in my old coat and hat and it was drizzling gently. The water was everywhere and it formed a slight blanket of mist that thickened with every minute. Surprisingly it wasn't cold...it was warm...so I decided to keep walking until I saw this shadow...I came closer to find that it was you holding an umbrella."

 

You shake your head and shrug out of your school jacket - leave it to fate to give you signs and more signs that -- what you cannot give Yoite is everything that he needs. Forcing a smile you say

 

"I don't own an umbrella." And then you clutch your jacket close to hide your hands.

 

Yoite stirs a little and you feel something press against your neck.

 

"What are you doing?"

 

"I'm checking to see if this will fit you..."

 

The scarf he's been working on feels good to the touch. And you smile because you know he needs it more than you do. You are seldom cold anyway.

 

"Thank you."

 

You frown just a little and look up because how many times have you told him that he should never thank you. But he stops you from saying anything by smiling at you and holding out the project in his hands. You wish he said something and not left you to assume things and yet in a way it is - so you have something of him, by him. And one day you'll look back at this and know that not everything Yoite gave you was heartache.

 

You dont say that you are welcome - instead you offer to make him Lemonade.

 

And that was that.

 

For all the things left unsaid - you had that one moment where he made you feel something other than doubt. It was a good feeling and you realize it's not about the rain or the umbrella in his dreams. It was the fact that you were waiting.

 

 

**_The way gravity brings you back to me_ **

****

The day Yoite passed away he left you an unfinished scarf and a full mug of Lemonade that he never got to drink. From that day on you resolved to tie up the loose ends of the strings and wear that scarf that looks more like half a table runner. Your Grandmother always says that it looks hideous against you office jacket but you tell her it's your style.

 

Time and again people would tease you about it - calling you such a loyal boyfriend for wearing that scarf even if it was rather incomplete.

 

Your girlfriend is a successful designer but she knows nothing about knitting for you a half-made scarf, either way she's never told you to stop wearing it because she has no idea why you wear it and doesn't really want to know. She is a woman of the world and has little time for things like inquisitiveness and jealousy. It's also the reason why she never bugs you about marriage or proposals. That's what drew you to her in the first place - this odd sense of independence because there are certain things you cannot give her and the fact that she's not needy makes it all work out in the end.

 

One Saturday morning, you walk to the train station and chance upon Aizawa.

 

He is the same as always - with a ready smile and a sense of humor you tend to shoot down at every given opportunity. The friendship is the same as well, you make him speak to you first by giving him this blank look that does not befit a grown man like you. But this is normalcy and you both take what you can and find comfort in its familiarity.

 

"Running a little late Miharu-kun?"

 

"Not really."

 

"Your schedule's changed?"

 

"Something like that."

 

"Eh?"

 

"I was asked to attend the job fair at the college today. Someone has to man the booth."

 

"Oh, I see. I'm headed the same way."

 

The station is crowded even as the rush hour's passed - Aizawa asks you if you have your pass and in turn you show him the booklet. Waiting for the train to roll in is very much uneventful - though you have not lost the habit of standing too close to the edge of the platform. Aizawa reminds you to settle down and when you do he stares at you and smiles - for a fleeting second he betrays the sadness of a man that's seen too much and does not want to see more of what life has to show.

 

"It's kind of hard to miss..."

 

He's talking about the scarf and the stark contrast of cream on an ashen suit.

 

"It keeps me warm."

 

"Why do you always wear it..." He does not punctuate.

 

You want to say something along the lines of - 'because it is unfinished, like a promise. Similar to what Yoite and I were -- everything's unfinished and one day..' you stop yourself because you sound like a madman in your head. So you just shake your head.

 

"Who knows."

 

When you get to the job fair, the hall is already bustling with students and newly graduates. You stare up and look for the logo of your company - happy to find that it's situated near the balcony that offers an escape from the convoluted building. You wave at one of your officemates and he is happy to see you because he's been dying to have a cup of coffee and a smoke for about an hour now.

 

"Sorry for being late..." You're not really sorry, if only he could see the virtual batwings and devil horns on you "...I'll take over from here." And you are amused at how fast he runs for the coffee machine - throwing back a light 'thank you' in your direction.

 

Nothing much happens in the first hour and you figure because it's lunchtime for the youngsters so you arrange the stacks of brochures and application forms on the table. You reach for the box of calling cards at the corner only to see a curious hand reach and take one calmly.

 

The skin is smooth and the fingers are thin and long -- you tell yourself it looks beautiful - no matter how odd that sounds when talking about a hand. You trace the lines from wrist to arm to shoulder until you see his profile and then your world stops. He has Yoite's face and his body and when he looks at you - reads you like he were reading one of the brochures on your table - you ealize that the eyes are the same.

 

How could it be? How could it possibly be?

 

You tell yourself that it must be rebirth or some odd fulfillment of a desire you've carried with you for years. Either way, the lack of recognition in his eyes make you smile and you hand him a folder of information.

 

"Looking for a job?"

 

He nods and looks at you, through you and back at the scarf you're wearing. He laughs just a little and it makes you tilt your head. If he's really Yoite -- then he has no right to laugh at his own creation.

 

"Excuse me, what is so funny?"

 

"Your style..."

 

"What about it?"

 

He covers part of is mouth with a balled fist - and you imagine him wearing those tan gloves and it all fits.

 

"I like your style."

 

And you are left speechless, finding a glimmer of hope in his laughter and settling into that easy manner you get into when conversing with people. He in turn, is confident and asks about the compensation and benefits package. There's that professional feel to the conversation and that's okay. It feels like things have only just begun and what was once unfinished will somehow come to pass.

 

You see your officemate return with a satiated look on his face - because nicotine and caffeine make for the perfect menage a' trois. You wave at him and look back at this person who could very well be Yoite.

 

"There's a beverage machine down the hall. I can tell you more about the company over coffee..."

 

You say it so innocently but he's not buying it, you can see it in the doubtful look on his face -- you see the struggle but eventually he gives in.

 

"Sure."

 

You tell yourself that if he is indeed Yoite, then this is his new life and that whatever happens now, it is his right to live it without the stains of the past. The coffee machine is glowing in browns and yellow and you punch in coins to get your drink. You decide on Latte and look at him -

 

"What will you have?"

 

"Tea"

 

"Many kinds here, what flavor?"

 

"Lemon."

 

That makes you smile - broad enough that it gets his attention and makes him narrow his eyes.

 

"What's so funny about that?"

 

"Nothing. Nothing at all." You wait for the cans to roll out and take it to him - as you walk back he looks at you and asks for your name.

 

He goes by a different name, but you are sure. And for what it is worth, not everything is lost.

 

"It's nice to meet you, Miharu-san. Thank you for the lemonade."

 

You still don't own an umbrella but you are happy in the realization that you are there - waiting.


End file.
